writting on a super tired brain.

avoidance is useless, cause it doesn't solve the problem.
its what cowards do, when they know it'll hit them.

acceptance is happiness. be willing to have it so, to overcome misfortunes.
make do of what we have, its when we try our best.

appreciation changes alot of things. from people to perception.
even animals know appreciation, we are friends to dogs, not their masters.

ignorance is bliss they say, how true is that?
living in my own world, i cant only see my own self alone.

sometimes when i have a feeling i try not to feel it.
at times im breathing in toxic air, but i cant try to not breathe.


anyway...
my knee is still numb, i wish my heart is too.

busy.

imsobusyimsobusyimsobusyimsobusyimsobusyimsobusyimsobusyimsobusy.
i have so many things to blog about in so little time!!

this is the time when i need more hours in a day to get loads of things done.
so that i wont have to eat my breakfast in front of my laptop at 8.13 while typing this post. and i have to b at work before 9. im still not dressed yet my hair is dripping wet i dont never had enough sleep i might get canky along the day my nails are super ugly i need to repaint them i missed so many episods of drama series my eyes are puffy i need to poop. argh!!!!

anyway i cant blog with the iphone i dont know why. if i could i'll be blogging everyday at work! but i'll keep trying.

okbyez.

hapy easter! or whatever.

okbyez.

tired.

I'm tired.
So very tired.
Tired of planning. Tired of running. Tired of hiding. Tired of lying. Tired of everyday activities. Tired of everyday conversations. Tired of everyday thoughts.
Tired physically. Tired mentally.
My brain is tired. My eyes are tired. My arms are tired. My legs cant move. My back is sore. My knee is numb, and painful on the inside. And somehow, my heart seems tired of pumping itself.
It's the tiredness nobody could understand unless it really happens to them.

I would kill myself for a cozy cuddle around warm fire, watching a movie and falling asleep... and never wake up.
Never, ever, want to wake up again.

QuizBox Test

Saw this on Jason and Jovy's blog. And got curious. ==p
If you're curious too, click here for it.

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I'd say 80 to 90% is true. Or that I think it is. hmm....

in life, sometimes its not about making the right decisions,
its about how you handle the decisions you've made, how you fix the wrong decisions,
how you make it right even if its not.

decision making shouldn't bug or worry me that much.





but how?

a good sign

i saw something flying, circling around me for quite sometime today.

i think its a really good omen.

==)

wish me luck people!

quote.

they say in your entire life, you only fall in love once. even if you dont end up with that person, you'll end up thinking of that person throughout your remaining life.

you'll know when you do...

and i still do.

conversations lolling in my head

"hey jo i saw you and ** together. i thought you hated ** ?"
"no i do not hate **. ** is a really nice person and ** did nothing to offend me in anyway."
"but last time i thought..."
"i have never hated **. i just didnt like it when ** did something inappropriate."
(maybe i should apologize. then again i might screw up just cause im being too honest)

"do i look like i like to hold grudges towards people?"
"err... dont you?"
"hmm im not sure. anymore... do i?" "i dont lah wei..."
(i dont hate people as much as i use to. maybe hate can fade)

"i thought you wanted it. arent you happy?"
"im not sure if i am happy. but i dont think im sad... for the moment..."
(for WHAT? sigh...)

"i thought you wanted them?"
"i do, but tell me why does it pierce?"
(i still have no idea)

"he's been awkwardly nice."
"what if he wants a rebound?"
"im not sure. actually, im never sure."
"..."
"the only time that i was so sure, so very sure, was the time i screwed up the most., ended up in the worst stage in life. how can i ever be sure again? in life, and everything?"
(how can i?)

"you changed new pictures?"
"no ar, they are still the same ones."
"these arent nice. why put them anyway?"
"mm..."
(should i take them off?)

"if you aren't sorry, it means you're glad"
(yeah. duh...)

"do u think its stupid?"
"what happened?"
"i dont wanna talk about it..."
"okay, its really stupid."
"really?"
"no."
"then is it stupid?"
"..."
(who to judge?)

"that's so bad"
"ei u havent seen worse people yet"
"i dont have to lol"
(bad but, the correct thing? no? yes?)

"nah this is for you."
"wow really!?"
"mm..."
(and i forgot to say thanks)

"hey how d?"
"what how d? ma like that loh"
(questions i wish i could find better ways to answer)

"hey whats that for?"
"its for.. er.. myself."
(liar.)

"i think you should sms yourself to show sincerity."
"but how lah i dont...."
*went offline*
"sigh...."
(isnt it just the same...? im not anybody special and i dont see the need to show anything to anybody. right?)

"what if we went there and......."
(the word doesnt exist stop using it)

*flyfm plays*
"romeo take me, somewhere..."
*click - hitz.fm*
"sorry..."
(twice in 1 day? wasnt it my favourite song?)

"what about that bunch of guys?"
"what about them?"
"ohh now i see... i think it grows with age"
"i didnt expect a bunch of guys..."
"how about this year?"
"i just dont feel like it."
(dont think i have much time left..)

"dont you get it?"
"yeah......."
(no i dont)

"i think its nice"
"i dont really like it"
"im ok with it"
(should i stil wear it?)

"you think this is so easy? you're too naive. it's not possible. one has fallen. to survive, one must catch the fallen. or it dies. cause its not water nor a soft bed of wool at the bottom. its a bed of thorns, deceived by the roses on top. because only the fallen one would bleed and feel the thorns when others sees it as a mere fall on a beautiful rose bed garden."
(what can be done?)

"you know guys change so easily and they're so unpredictable"
"so are girls."
(so dont be one)

treat people the way you want to be treated. but do they deserve it? even if they dont. do you deserve it?


i really wanna watch bride wars and underworld ==(

its coming!

chinese new year is coming! but...... so soon...?
yes i want the angpows! its just, u know, the relatives and family friends, uncles and aunties normally pinch your face and say "you've grown so big already! the last time i saw you you were in diapers!" thats the annoying part.
next, they WILL question you on your work/studies. which is the last thing i want on my mind right now. im unemployed okay! dont you whisper behind my back rambling on how smart your son or daughter is workin as some lawyer or something. or maybe they dont. i just have a feeling that they do when you see this look on their face when i declare unemploymency. blame it on the economy! or me. to not take enough effort in lookin for jobs. i mean, its nice to start up a topic and all, to wonder what my parents daughter is doing right now but, please? right now but not right NOW?
after that, they will ask about my health, out of care... you know, and all. FINE my cholesterol went up to 7.2 alright? under medication and still 7.2 is unacceptable. how can i survive without bak kua in the cny season? ==(
then they will ask the boyfriend question. enough of the questions i dont want to answer already! aww is there a way i could just avoid these questions?

can i just hide in my room and get away from everybody this chinese new year? or maybe get the angpows only hide before anybody asks anything?

my stomach doesnt feel so good. as if my dinner at 7pm havent digested at all and its almost 1 now.

i really need a life. continuous emo posts from me since for as long as i couldnt remember. blogs are for me to pour everything in with. it just seems that my bucket full of rose petals is now filled with rotten water. all i can do is to let it clear by itself. and pray. cause there no other place for me to pour them at. i've added labels. you dont have to read them if you get sick of my emo posts. just look at the labels and if its labeled emo, you can ignore it. labeling back old posts of last year is making me even more emo.

how do you de-emo-fy a person? i need a de-emo-fy-er.
help.

got it frm somewhere lol

if you cant move it, move with it.

hey homer...

im scared. im really scared homer. whatever happened to me when i keep trying to figure myself out, i found a weakness but i cane just focus on strenghts and hope the weaknesses go away.. they are still somewhere in me...
im scared to go out with certain friends of mine, which have been really nice to me. not that they arent nice. its just... im scared,
im scared and somehow a part in me tells me that im not good enough for them. and when the people that made me feel so welcomed, so comfortable and special wanted and needed, leaves, everything is just so different now.
going out with the few close friends made me realize, they are just really good and nice people, thats why they are hanging out with me. i dont feel comfortable hanging out with them, how can they be comfortable hanging out with me?
when im with certain people, i am not me. i dont talk like me, i dont act like me. but if i dont, i dont think im good enough for them. all those different groups.
sometimes its something that i wanna do but its just not me if i do it. its like, this is my principle. this is who i am, what im known to be. if i do the opposite, then im not me anymore.
oh gawd wat m i saying...
i know its all about 'people like you for who you are dee fown inside, you dont need to pretend. if they dont like you for who you are, they arent real friends'. i know that shit but i could say that when i can afford to lose some, but i dont.
i have retired from who and what i use to be. and i aint stepping into that mud anymore. but sometimes, the easy way is to go into the mud and stay happy. or climb up a very steep and log mountain.one you come out dirty. the other you come out sweaty and tired all through. i cant turn back. im not allowed to.
im really scared homer, and i dont know what to do, who to talk to, or who to turn to.
ontkim scared... of stepping out of me and this lil fantasy world of mine. i dont know what awaits behind those walls. and thats the real me. cowardy and...scared.
i dont have enough confidence and i dont think i am capable og getting it back, thats y i cudnt let go. even by pretending to be the people i am not. i cant afford alot of things. cant afford to lose alot of things. friends. trust. face. dignity. health. life. love. knowledge. time. taste buds. treasures... some are already gone. cant afford to lose an inch more of it.
and sometimes when you have a good intention, treat people good and get the doors shut on your face, you wonder if you should give up or keep trying. then sometimes, you treat a person like dirt, and at the end of the day, everybody leaves the party but this person is willing to stay for a lil while longer. what kind of demon m i?
what do you know, you have small ears and a fat tummy. only good for hugs. not ears. and you dont even have a shoulder when i needed one...
what the hell is wrong with me! the only time i should be depressed is when i was with jing! no offence, but i dont think he'll see this anyway.
thanks for the hugs. i am still scared. you feel safe only when your the hugee. guess you are. *hugs*

2 new things learned

"If at first the idea is not absurd then there is no hope for it"


"Everything that humans can imagine, is a possibility in reality" - Physicist, Willy Karen

Dreams

Has anyone made any new year's resolution?

I'll turn 21 this year, should i just look at reality and limit my dreams....or should i make my dreams reality?

Remember when we were young, we dreamt a lot, flying to the moon, living in a world we created ourself, wanting to be this or that...

What happened to all those dreaming? When did we start to let our head ground us with reality? Where was the wings we wanted on our backs so we can fly around the world?

Just because we've seen, just because we've learnt and just because we know....it doesn't mean we can't.


Therefore, my new year's resolution will be to continue dreaming, while dealing with reality and continue one step at a time towards......a dream come true...

PS : I have not been a good person, have not been the best son, have not been the best brother or cousin......i promise, i am working towards it.

Not forgetting my path to Japan and Korea too ==D

happee 2009!

i know its 2 days late. first day the internet went crazy. streamyx was havin a day off too i guess?
but happy new year people!! especially to the very special person who shared this blog and made it more interesting than it is.... n played a very special role in my life. well a person's blog is all about a person's life isnt it? ==)

lookin back at 2008 for me just... i was lookin at all the blog posts for last whole year....... i have no receptor thingy, to control at all, the cells around my tear glands.... lets just put it that way, when thing's are slightly out of... expectations, plans and control, of the will of... fate? and certain arrangements with...... ok i shall stop talkin now.

anyway last year for jocelyn, moved really slow. really really slow. i was waiting and waiting everyday, staring at a date all the time. one date after another. there was always a date, may it be a happy one or a sad one. february then july then august then november then... and now this year, i just dont have a date as a target line anymore. it was a slow year but before i know it, it ended up in a zap, leavin me stuck in never never land.
andddddd.... that slow year is finally over. hope this new year for me would be fast. and you know ther's only 2 ways for it to be fast. for your life to be fast. one is to have a great work life. or a great love life. as usual, greedy me would want both.

ok new year resolutions! here's the list. well, not really a new year resolution list, but i think they look more like a to-do list. cause u know, resolutions always look and sound so... visionary. so huge... with big plans and big evetything and half of them will have your freinds laugh at you saying "hey wasnt that what you said last year? come on you wont get that done this year" or "puh-leez, you wont be able to make that happen, not in this decade".

THE LIST

1. do something good. (volunteer somewhere since im too stingy for giving out monetary donations. oh old clothes might work too ==) )
2. learn up something. (be it a skill, a hobby, a language etc)
3. finish all my movies and series. (some dvds in my drawer are bought to rust and i should start doing something about it. lol)
4. have a clear mind and decide totally what to major on in my studies. (and make sure i WILL go for a degree)
5. sew some dolls. (i want to!)
6. finish my 6 never ending books feeding on dust, ps i love you, change of heart, rules of work, olgilvy's advertising, 4 twilight books (if i have them all, i only have 2)...
7. change my fashion style. totally! more heels and make up for me please. when i dont feel lazy or feel like wearin something comfortable. im old. i've changed my hair style anyway, next up is my wardrobe. ==)
8. but i do need money for that dont i? so i need a job. i great job to gain experience.
9. self learn photography and editing skills.
10. finish writing a proposal for patrick's corporate company profile and get him to pay me ==) (man this was on me for more than half a year now. it's goin to be a year in 2 or 3 months. ish!)
11. make really nice cards for everybody's birthday!
    
12. finish my cross stitch. (i have a new one and its almost like a bif framed photo)
13. keep praying that my hp will spoil so that i will get a new one. and also that i will earn enough money by then to treat myself with a new hp.
14. not travelling. definately. or maybe i could, but i dont feel like it. (why is this even on the list?)
15. forgive the people i hate. jocelyn will talk to the people she loath most, act nice and hope it'll turn out nice. just cause she wants to cut names off her enemy list.
16. wear a bikini in public. (hahahhahaha... this is a stupid one but what the hell.. who's in with me? ==D 20 and i havent done that before can you believe that? was never confident with... erm... a certain size, you know... anyway its not happening 30 years frm now is it? im old now! and its happenin now. hahaha )
17. get an addiction. (be it on candies, work, a hobby, some life, some book, anything!)
18. be more organized.
19. be a better planner on managing my life.
20. exercise more... and i mean MORE. it i dont throughout the year, i'll make sure i do in december. ==D
    

and if i dont get them done by november 2009, i'll have them done in the whole december just so poeple wont be saying things like "cheh i knew it" or something like that. liang might probably be the first to say that hahaha...
the list should be till 20 i guess. if there are more i'll write in the comment box. anybody came up with their new year resolutions already?

choleric me?

a few things lately have made me realise that actually, there is a little Bree in me. the Bree in desperate housewives.

yesterday i went to the education fair at PISA, and there was this personality test at the booth of Nilai university college to find out which type of course and which type of work suits the person more. Fi was testing it out and i wanted to test too. it turned out to be that i am a choleric. they say that there are no good and bad in every personality. it has its own good and bad behaviour. but cholerics sound so... bossy, stubborn, demanding and all. ==( am i a bossy person?

anyway the 4 types of personalities are...

Choleric: This is the commander-type. Cholerics are dominant, strong, decisive, stubborn and even arrogant.
Melancholy: This is the mental-type. Their typical behaviour involves thinking, assessing, making lists, evaluating the positives and negatives, and general analysis of facts.
Sanguine: This is the social-type. They enjoy fun, socialising, chatting, telling stories - and are fond of promising the world, because that's the friendly thing to do.
Phlegmatic: This is the flat-type. They are easy going, laid back, nonchalant, unexcitable and relaxed. Desiring a peaceful environment above all else.

i make lists in my head on almost everything.

i am not decisive at all, i cant decide on almost everything cause i am so afraid of making the wrong decisions and regretting it later on. i cant even decide on which flavour of pretzel to take! its either a powery one like cinnamon sugar and sour cream and onion, or a liquidy one like choc eclair or almond with dip. those are the usual ones that i take. or to take the usual nice ones, or try a new flavour. then i dont think i'll end up liking it and then it makes me think again, i could stand in front of the stall for 15 mins to decide on a flavour.

i am also a social type. i can basically talk to strangers non stop and i believe i am a really talkative person, hope its not annoying talkative. and i hate awkward silence. thats why i talk. lol...

extremely impatient. i like to get things done fast. if i dont i get really frustrated and cranky. probably cause i didnt want to waste precious time when you can actually do something with it.
i get bored really easily. its also stated in all the horoscope books on Geminis actually.
i am actually emotional and expressive. if im happy i can jump around and i dont care if i look like a fool in public. when im sad, i really am sad and im really bad at hiding fears tears giggles and... yeah alot of things.
i like peaceful environments but i am definately not unexcitable and i dont know if i am laid back or not.

definately not a born leader cause im afraid to lead. what if i let my group members down? but i'd lead if i see like (no offence but) useless lazy poeple in my group i'd stand up and fight for the leader's position cause i dont trust my grades in the hands of a person who fails almost all the subjects all the time. now i sound like a bad bossy person T.T

i cant afford to make even the slightest bad decision! includin eating just 1 extra prawn, which i could have saved up the additional cholesterol food to eat twisties instead. then i wont be able to brush the thought off my mind for at least like an afternoon or evening.

more info on cholerics...

• You are strong-willed and decisive, independent and self-sufficient.
• You are not easily discouraged and can be unemotional when necessary.
• You are capable of running anything and exude confidence.
• You are an expert in exerting sound leadership, establishing goals and able to motivate the family in to action.
• You always know the right answer and organize the household.
• You are very goal oriented, see the whole picture and organize well.
• You seek practical solutions to problems and move quickly to action.
• You delegate work but insist on productivity.
• You make the goals, stimulate activity and thrive on opposition.
• You have little need for friends and will work for group activity.
• You often lead from the front, organize and are usually right.
• You excel during emergencies

A Choleric is focused on getting things done, but can run rough-shod over others. They are decisive and stubborn.
A Melancholy is a highly talented person, they have brilliant ideas, although sometimes they can paralyse themselves with over-analysis. Lists and "doing things the right way" are characteristics of this personality type.
A Sanguine gets on well with people and can get others excited about issues, but cannot always be relied upon to get things done. They love interacting with others and play the role of the entertainer in group interactions. They have a tendency to over-promise and under-deliver.
A Phlegmatic is neutral - they tend not to actively upset people, but their indifference may frustrate people. They try not to make decisions, and generally go for the status quo. They care about people and harmony.

take for example yesterday. i went to bin's hse for a stay over. we stayed up till 4.30am and i was sooooo slpy i fell right asleep when the lights are off. and guess what? i forgot to brush my teeth! something that i have not done in my entire life since... well maybe when i was in primary or in kindergarden. i cant live without the feeling of a clean minty mouth every day and night. i cant stand people with bad breath and rotten teeth. untidy teeth is ok but rotten ones? no. even my dentist said i brush my teeth too much.
before that bin took her contact lense off when she reached home. without washing her hands with soap. my eyes were kinda dry and i wanna take them off too. i washed my hands with soap, rubbed and rinsed it with saline water and place them in fresh lense solution. and i thought to myself. am i the only one who does that all the time?
as i was the one who set the alarm the night before, i woke up earlier than the rest of them even after at least 1 hour of snoozing. i brushed my teeth, bin's mom bought ban chang kuey. i was up and eating already and they are all still in bed. then i spotted a hp charging in the corner. i had to switch it off. i dont know who's hp is it, charging overnight can kill the lifespan of a battery. i had to switch it off. im till on my holiday, i can actually sleep till late but i dont want to. cause no.1 we have to go to butterworth, 2, hav lunch, 3, go for a movie, 4, maybe a spa (or not) and 4, be home by 4pm cause bin has rehersals. plus (5) if i wake up late i will sleep really late at night and it will 1, turn my biological clock upside down. 2, in time make me look older than i actually am, 3, affect my health, 4, add more eye bags on me when the past 2/3 months have given me balloon sized eyebags that i wish i could just pop it with a needle. 5, its not my house. 6, i just couldnt sleep till too late ok? hahaha...
then when they were still getting ready, even though i know she has a maid, i cudnt stand the junk food wrapers and empty bottles on the floor. i had to pick them up.

so i told bin n asked her about it and she said "good la, perfectionist."

then i thought of what liang told me about a friend who is like the virgo in virgos. ultimate perfectionists.

me? a perfectionist? you gotta be kidding! though i am not sure what i am still. my lack of capability in juggling my life between my work life, social life, love life, family life and all the other lifes in me costed me to lose an extremely valueable, meaningful and happy life. when i hav been trying so hard on so many things at so many times to juggle between them.

even bin told me, she's leaving in a few days. she cant spend every minute with edwin even if the both of them wanted to. cause she needs to do alot of other things. which includes going out with all of us and all. she cant stay over his place too often cause she needs to be with her mom at home as well. she had to run errands and get a few things settled. do rehersals for a performance on wednesday. she had to juggle all of those things in life. and she couldnt spend too much time with edwin. it totally make sense. unless he doesnt mind to run errands and all with her and all....

sleep, to me, is extremely important. aside from the points listed above, i know myself, that if i dont get enough sleep, i will be cranky throughout the day. when people talk to me i cant contentrate or pay attention. my brain turns really slow and i cant initiate topics. i cant plan and think of things on the spot, forgetting things and end up regretting the lousy decisions i do throughout the day. when i was driving just now i almost ended up in an accident 3 times! i didnt notice the motocycle that drove pass me. i didnt see the road sign and almost turned the wrong place. i cant focus and pulled the breaks on a light that just turned yellow a second ago, and i was already at the traffic lights already. what is wrong with me!? lack of sleep. yesh! i thought to myself. i cant afford all of those things. i know myself.

so there are certain things in my life that i really couldnt sacrifice. i will get very mad at myself if i were to waste unnecessary time, money, effort, etc. am i a bad person? am i a bossy person? a control freak? am i like Bree in desperate housewives? do tell me. im still trying to figure out myself.

like for example it doesnt make sense if you wanna buy a bottle of shampoo in gurney plaza when you can actually get the same one in tesco, 3 mins drive from my house. free parking. minus the jam, petrol and time. i would insist on buying the same shampoo at tesco. not being inconsiderate about the others but yeah it really doesnt make sense. unless you make the things look like they make sense.

cause if poeple explain and try to persuade me on doing something of buying something, there is actually a high chance of me falling for it.

note: this post was written on a really sleepy brain, it is very long, i didnt bother to make it short and easier to read. my brain is slow. i dont remember what i wrote 15 mins ago.

the journey up the hill

life is about improvements.
they say "i complain that i have no shoes, until i see someone with no feet"
moral of the story? to be grateful for what you have.
positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts.
look at what i have and not what i dont have!
and be grateful for having a few pairs of shoes plus feet than i can walk and jump around.

i am grateful. i really am.
grateful that im alive when jo ann has been telling me so many people died in limkokwing.
grateful that i once had such a great time when others doesnt even experiece things like this befre.
grateful i have food water and shelter.
grateful that i hav such loving and cool parents.
grateful that i have stick skinny figure when others get bulimia and anorexia trying to slim down when they actually wanna be skinnier than me.
grateful that even if i hav to wear thick glasses, at least im not blind.
grateful for having so many friends around me giving me support and company that mean so much to me.
grateful for alot alot of things.

but somehow, a part in me says a slightly different story.

if a guy is born without legs. and gotten a leg implant donated to him or something when he's 20.he got a new leg.
on the other hand, another guy got involved in an accident and lost a leg at age 20 too. he got 1 leg left on him.

both have 1 leg. who would you rather be?

the one who should be happy and grateful that at least he get to walk and jump for the first 20 years of his life? instead of mourning on how to survive the rest of his life with only 1 leg left.
or the one that should be happy and grateful to receive a new leg? instead of mourning on how unfair god is to him when everybody is born with legs except him.

for me i'd rather be the one born without legs and gained a leg instead of losing one. cause life is about improvements. sometimes you cant control the future. you cant control what is going to happen next. but the least you can do is to control your own life. cause its your life, you live it your way.

i am my own competition. if i am capable of getting myself a new car, and its a myvi. i dont care if i live in a world where everybody else around me drives a Mercedes or a BMW. what i know is, the next car that i'm going to get is not a kancil. it need not be a BMW, but it will be something better than a myvi.
or should i look at poeple with motocycles and be grateful for having te chance to own a car at all?

its not about being better than the people around me. its about being better than who i was back then.

sooooooooooo many people around me said i've changed. close friends i had since secondary. im not the me back then compared to the me right now. i do hope i've changed for the better, being a better person than the trash i was back then. somehow i realized i've gotten weaker.

i dont mind if i get a C for my grades. cause i wont feel the least grateful at all that i did not fail. with that i will always be stuck with a C grade feeling happy everyday cause i did not fail. no improvements at all. i am my own competition and i wont bother competing myself with the others. i will make sure the next grade i get would be better than a C. either remain a C, or getting a C+ is an improvement. and make sure i get a B and an A in time.

i dont care if my girlfriends get rich ass boyfriends that showers them with handphones, cars , prada and expensive food every meal.
i dont care if they have some guy who treats them like princesses.
i dont care if i dont earn alot of money compared to the people around me.
i dont care if im born with high cholesterol when everybody around me gets to eat everything they want, anything they want at their own will. (tho my hormones makes me depress at times)
i dont care if they have a great job and a great life.
i dont care if this friend gets really famous on tv and advertisements.
i dont care if the people around me are born with the perfect figure, pretty face, great personality likable to every bug around them. i wanna look back to a picture of me 4 years ago and say to myself, wow i've gotten so much prettier compared to the me back then, dark, skinny with short hair and braces.
i dont care even if some friend has better fashion sense than i do.

cause if i keep comparing, it will never end. how could anybody be happy? that includes comparing myself with the people worse than me. not that i dont care if a girlfriend lost her dad. i will help her in many ways that i can to improve her life in other ways, like giving her company, going to the movies with her, a place where she use to go with her dad, or something like that. but i wont be comparing.
the only thing that i'll be comparing, is to compare me to myself. all i care is improvements on myself and my life. i want to move further up a notch to who i am, what i am and where i am right now.

i dont mind not being the 100% as long as the percentage is the same or slightly higher, than the percentage the day before. and i will not allow myself to fall down the hill. i'll either remain on that spot till i regain my strenght and continue my journey up. a journey up the hill where the tip is where i rest in peace, knowing that i have became a better person than the person i was the day before.

friends and life

ever since i stopped workin at Studeo Grafix, my life is a mess. its totally meaningless! i dont know what i want to do throughout the day, i dont know what my plans are for tomorrow... i want to do something to my life but i just, dont feel like it now.
I DONT FEEL LIKE ANYTHING!

well in life, whatever we do, we have to do it with a purpose. if i wanna buy try on that expensive pair of boots, its ridiculous but yeah i just wanna look hawt in it for a while.

ok lousy example, i think my bloggin skills dropped, not that it was good all along but anyway...
there's this thing in life that i keep doing but i dont see the point of doing but i still am, doing.
you know us at this age, being somewhere around 18 till 23 or more, is the time when you lose the people around you, the ones you care, the ones you love, the ones you cherish.

we were in the same class for so many years in high school. not that we got close results but yeah, we were in the last class of pure science, fail the subjects and yeahhh! we get to be together! we use to make a fool out of ourselves in school, having the time of our lives... hey! thats the time when you get to break rules and ave fun getting away with it isnt it? then after we graduate, we just... lost contact. not that we hate each other, its just that we have different rings of friends. we still hang out now, like, once a year, and yeah you guys are in KL now and all... thats the thing.

then we have the other ring of besties that werent from the same class from the start, at all. maybe just once in form 1 or form 3. we were then never in the same class but we hang out all the time before and after classes, and during recess. we have sleepovers, share clothes and spill juicy updates. then one started college the other too and we see each other... not often. once a year? or maybe twice... then one goes away to further her studies and.. yeah thats the thing.

after that its the ring of college friends, from all over the world, from different backgrounds, different schools, different states or countries, and of course age and position when some are already parents. and now that im no longer in college, we still hang out but, yeah not often.

then you have another ring of friends, those you actually know through friends but u both just dont hang out with the one in the middle anymore. like A knows C through B and A is now really close with C and B just disappeared. awkward but yeah that's my other ring of friends, or friend actually. best of friends, everything clicked. anddddd she went away to study.

then you have those who work and the only time you have left is, really late nights out. short late nights out actually. and im not a night person cause sleep and health is forever my priority...
this ring includes my ex collegues actually. that ring is... hard. hard to book a time and all and eventually we see each other less.

then there's the ring of guys that i use to hang out with, till... and lost contact and... i dunno what the hell happened.

then there's the ring of exes. yeah... use to want to hang out but nop, not anymore.

sometimes i'm just left with the very few friends that i have. sometimes i needed the support from them but sometimes i get frustrated or annoyed i dont know what i should do. i dont stay angry but i just dont feel like it anymore. at times i do think its my own fault if problems arise, sometimes i just think that, if we dont click, we dont click, what to do when it keeps happening over and over again? having all the other rings of friends no where near me made me feel so lonely if i were to lose the very few ones around me. not to lose them but, to take a break or something. friends arent for people to dump or not. but whats the purpose of hanging out together when i know i wont be happy and all... simply cause they are the very few left and i dont wanna be lonely for now?

its rare to find the ones that can make each other feel so comfortable. i have many many different rings of friends. all having different personalities, if i were to throw a party and all are invited, i can gurantee they wont click.

i might be going away to study next year. where ever i go, i'll lose everybody until i come back, or they come back or untill i get new ones. even families and close ones. i might start a new job and god knows how my life would be like when that happens. sometimes, you just needed one person, one that can turn turn your bad day good by just being around. that one person that when you won a trip for 2 to bali, without even blinking you said u wanna go with him/her. one that you feel so comfortable you can share anything and everything. that one person that you could tell him/her...
"i saw this shirt the other day it was so nice but my size was sold out, they hav your size so i figured you could have a look, i know u'll look great in it"
"we had problem, i dont know what to do..."
"orange really doesnt fit you"
"come lets do something crazy like running across the park screaming with our hands in the air"

one that says to you...
"take that scarf off its ugly"
"u cant have that, its really bad for your cholesterol. have this instead. it tastes just as nice"
"i know things are troubling you, wanna stay over at my palce so you'll hav company?"
"nothing can come between us... we'r more than BFFs"

or something like that... i dont know what kind of post is this, some things are troubling me and i dont know what to say... am i being dependent? i really needed company...

be grateful for what i have, or dont have. know no regrets in life. know my goals in life. screw it, i'll just let my life live me instead of me living my life.

A post at last

I know I know...it's been such a looooooong time since I've updated anything on the blog. I have been way too busy and tired.
Ever since I've been back, have been meeting up with some friends, relatives etc...

Since my cousin's wedding has been looming(well it was the week before and just yesterday) a lot of my relatives has flown here from Australia and Johor, and i ended up sleeping on the sofa for well as long as they were here...I only had 2 days to sleep on my own bed ==S...All's fine though, the wedding brought lots of happiness to everyone, I was super duper excited as well even though it isn't mine....

My cousin was the bride while the groom originates from KL, that explains why 2 ceremonies were held at 2 different places and times.
During those times I've been camera man, video person, part of the "jie mei"( you know the ones that plays all those games on the guys when the groom comes over to pick up the bride) or all at once.

Some of the games were really really embarassing to play, hahaha...my uncles even added a few more especially for the groom to perform. ( I've taken lots of photos but have non of them yet as it's my sister's and someone else's cameras, will upload them when i get them)

Everyone really had a lot of fun, there were smiles, hugs, cheering everywhere....my dad even got drunk during the dinner at night ==D...kinda embarassing at times but hell, who gives...He behaved at the KL dinner though which is held at Sunway Resort...though it was my sister's boyfriend's turn to get tipsy along with my uncles...

One good news came after the other...we've already known that one of my Australian cousins is getting married. A day after this wedding (2nd daughter of aunty Bee Kheng's daughter was the one who got married) another one of my cousin's ( the youngest daughter of aunty Bee Kheng's) boyfriend proposed on a dinner/gathering....They'll probably get married the year after...
That leaves aunty Bee Kheng's eldest daughter who does not have a boyfriend yet, or she is hiding it from us ==D....but for the mom who is worrying( since she turned 30 this year), worry not because when the bride and groom threw the flower ( you know the one that's always on the movie with a bunch of girls eager to catch it behind)....my cousin was just standing with the hands out not really going for it, but it was all meant to be, as the flower hit the baloons and dropped right on her face!!!! ==D even if she didn't want to catch it she had no choice!!!!!

Sorry if somethings i said aren't understandable, i am still pretty tired from all the running aound, driving to and from KL and late nights...but yeah it was really fun, and there'll be more next year and the year after....and maybe another year after!!!! ==D

That's it for now, will try to upload some photos....

a word to describe

if you were to pick one word. just one single word to describe yourself, what would it be?
funny? sexy? clever? lazy? flirtatious? hollow? cheery? emo-ish?

i bumped into my high school classmates, qian wen and yi ling the other day at tesco. so i started askin, "hey... so how's everybody?" i told them i just ended my 2 year course in KDU, and one of them said, "hey it seems like there are a lot of people in kdu," so i started to name a few. and i was like, "remember YE*?"
and they were like, "which YE*?"
"the one that always hang out with LT* one ar... we have our own gangs in class but its always just the 2 of them at one corner. rememberrr....??"
"ohhhh the one that wears really extremely thick make up?"
"ermm... hmm... yeah..." i said. "that one." with a really awkward response...

then qian wen started to talk about ZX*. then i was like, which ZX*? she described a lil and it just shot out of my mouth "OHHHHH THAT XIAO HUA!!" i was so excited i got the person right but, it wasnt a nice thing to say. they were laughing along, cause ZX* really was famous for that. so....

anyway some ppl are known to hav their own title/description or... whatever you call it.
subconsciously when people talk about LT* or YE*, people think of them as the people with thick make up. when they talk about ZX*, yeah... xiao hua. some you just go
"that nerdy one right?"
"that bitchy one that never zips up her pinafore?"
"that short noisy one?"
"the rich rich one with the roxy backpack?"
"she was always on the tanda hitam besar list one right?"
"that show-off bitch?"

whatever it is, people are always remembered with their signature look, style, behaviour, etc. even innocent ones might also end up being called "ooooohhh the one who always pick her nose in class" "the one who always pass up her homework on time" "the one who always sleeps in class"

but those are slightly different from what im going to talk about in this post.
i came across this article in a magazine, on how to describe yourself with just 1 word. you might be sexy? funny? lovable? clever or kind? strong, tough, independent or warm?

lets take sexy for example. if you were to use the word sexy, you might sound a little like you're stretching too far. how about sassy? too posturing? attractive sounds good but its a little too broad.
funny covers witty, dry, amusing, clownish... sarcastic is funny too! if you were to say you're a funny person, uhh... which type of funny again?

how about negative traits? like grumpy, snobby, bitchy... then again, define bitchy...?
needy... u can't really use that word cause you dont want pity, you want understanding and support.
boring, naggy, anxious, problematic, stingy? a person who worries too much? or anything of the opposite of the list 2 paragraphs before?

whatever it is, the point of my post is... hahaha! that im very extremely curious on what poeple will describe me as. when people say my name, what comes to your mind automatically? and if you were to sit down and think of a word for me just oe word to describe me, what would it be?

*names are slightly altered for privacy purposes

wheeeeeeeeaaaaaaaooooooooo

I'm officially done with Studeo Grafix!
no more bubble wraps for me! now to stop slacking, get my ass to have a final blog post on studeo grafix and get my list of jobs cleared before the end of december!
i have no idea my life could turn out to be this lazy and meaningless after i stopped working. lol...
will blog soon!