tickets to a distant life

suan le...
I thought this time you'd wait for me to go together at least, to make up of what you've done.
Bet you didnt know what you did.
Guess Im just not that important to you as you are to me...
Why treat someone so good and I still have to pray and hope to be treated well in return?
Im of a good and sincere intention.
Do I really need to stop talking to you just so I wouldnt be sad and disappointed over and over again?
You've had enough chances...

shells and spells.

they say you hear the mermaids sing,
or even sounds of the waves rushing in...
when she put that sea shell to her ear,
she could faintly make out sorrow whisperings...

the empty shell tells secrets none would understand
a hermit crab once lived there homeless yet content.
grains of sand left scratches on the walls, writing without a pen
written lyrics of dolphins who sang tunes of what they meant.

hollow shells whisper loudest,
silent tears speaks the most words.
just by sitting 2 inches away meant too much,
but still not enough to mend the shell...
nor the broken heart.

Taylor Swift & Def Leppard

When Love and Hate collide.
A really nice song.
I need to cry.
I love Taylor Swift.

Credits to Jeremy.

writting on a super tired brain.

avoidance is useless, cause it doesn't solve the problem.
its what cowards do, when they know it'll hit them.

acceptance is happiness. be willing to have it so, to overcome misfortunes.
make do of what we have, its when we try our best.

appreciation changes alot of things. from people to perception.
even animals know appreciation, we are friends to dogs, not their masters.

ignorance is bliss they say, how true is that?
living in my own world, i cant only see my own self alone.

sometimes when i have a feeling i try not to feel it.
at times im breathing in toxic air, but i cant try to not breathe.


anyway...
my knee is still numb, i wish my heart is too.

f it.

WHY DA HELL DID GOD INVENT PERVERTS N HIAO POS????

SHEESH!! a bunch of annoying trash. cant they stick to their own dicks or pussies?

MUST THEY SEEK FOR DICKS AND PUSSIES ALL OVER THE PLACE???????

GEEZ please kill yourself just because you exist.

==S

I have this feeling somewhere inside of me, bugging me for days.
Located right above my stomach, somewhere between my stomach, n chest.
A sorey, soury, feeling that makes me sad n emotional when I try to focus all my senses on it, to discover what is the feeling actually.
Then I'll start staring blankly at something for hours.
And it makes me feel like throwing up when I see food.
It makes me wonder if Im sick.
How do I make it go away?

I've got no inspirations whatsoever to blog. I've had this great topic I'd like to blog about, this morning. But that was this morning. Maybe its not so great but, at least a better one than this.

stars...

I was at the beach last night till 4 in the morning.
The sky was so so beautiful, all i see was pitch black darkness and a blanket of thousands and thousands of stars twinkling above my head. Not much clouds. Everything was so clear.
Sea breeze through my hair... and that cleared my mind too.
It was quiet. The sound of the waves never fail to calm me.
Then there were these shooting stars, I saw it twice, two of it maybe, by myself. It was shooting really fast but it was short. If i were to put my fingers to the sky, I saw the star and its tail, 1 cm long from my view, for just 1 second.
What if the star lived for just 1 second? Cant it be given a longer life? somehow deep down i mumbled the reasons, it was just so i get to see it for a few seconds more... I didnt want it to go. 1 second was better than no seconds. But 1 second isnt enough still.

stars... they are my only companions at night.
my inspiration... they are the only things that never stop shinning in the dark.

*plays... rule the world by take that*

I use to sit there...

i miss us so much.........

tired.

I'm tired.
So very tired.
Tired of planning. Tired of running. Tired of hiding. Tired of lying. Tired of everyday activities. Tired of everyday conversations. Tired of everyday thoughts.
Tired physically. Tired mentally.
My brain is tired. My eyes are tired. My arms are tired. My legs cant move. My back is sore. My knee is numb, and painful on the inside. And somehow, my heart seems tired of pumping itself.
It's the tiredness nobody could understand unless it really happens to them.

I would kill myself for a cozy cuddle around warm fire, watching a movie and falling asleep... and never wake up.
Never, ever, want to wake up again.

shut the hell up and please dont brag.

If you can afford an expensive piece of clothing, keep the extra info and DONT FREAKIN SHOW OFF.
If your boyfriend baked you a cake, keep it to yourself and DONT FREAKIN SHOW OFF.
If somebody compliments you, politely say thanks and DONT FREAKIN SHOW OFF.
If somebody gave you something, share but DONT FREAKIN SHOW OFF.
If you have 2 A's short to getting straight A's, DONT FREAKIN SHOW IT OFF and dont say "i have REALLY bad results" to the others who are 2 A's short to getting no A's.
If you have money, DONT FREAKIN SHOW IT OFF and say "i dont like my life right now cause it revolves around diamonds and pearls" to those who are so in need of money.

Or better still, just shut the hell up and count your blessings.

I know there was a post on jealousy a few posts back. But this has got nothing to do with jealousy. I would prefer to talk to a person who is humble and doesnt brag about the medals he won in beijing, the diamonds she fished from the boyfriend, the compliments he got from friends and judges. Cause the world aint all about you.

These days im super cranky. So dont freakin step on my tail.

Sheesh!

And when im not cranky, I spend my hours crying. So shut up and love your life cause you aint living your life like mine.

sore.

in life, sometimes its not about making the right decisions,
its about how you handle the decisions you've made, how you fix the wrong decisions,
how you make it right even if its not.

decision making shouldn't bug or worry me that much.





but how?

i've lost my inspirations to write.

i've already lost my pen. i only have a piece of blank paper.
there's no motivation left, please dont take my inspirations away too...

all i wanted to do is to write. let me write, please let me write...?

emo.
again.

im sick ==(

my head hurts.
my ankle where i sprained my knee months ago, hurts.
my knee where i had a surgery last year, hurts.
my eye balls hurt.
my neck is tired. can barely support my heavy head.
my eye balls are sore.
my body is sore so is my heart.
i have a cut on my hand.

and i was sms-ing just now, back facing my towel hanger,
when i was done i was so shocked i thought somebody was standing behind me!
what the hell is wrong with me?





i need a doctor. probably a bomoh.

conversations lolling in my head

"hey jo i saw you and ** together. i thought you hated ** ?"
"no i do not hate **. ** is a really nice person and ** did nothing to offend me in anyway."
"but last time i thought..."
"i have never hated **. i just didnt like it when ** did something inappropriate."
(maybe i should apologize. then again i might screw up just cause im being too honest)

"do i look like i like to hold grudges towards people?"
"err... dont you?"
"hmm im not sure. anymore... do i?" "i dont lah wei..."
(i dont hate people as much as i use to. maybe hate can fade)

"i thought you wanted it. arent you happy?"
"im not sure if i am happy. but i dont think im sad... for the moment..."
(for WHAT? sigh...)

"i thought you wanted them?"
"i do, but tell me why does it pierce?"
(i still have no idea)

"he's been awkwardly nice."
"what if he wants a rebound?"
"im not sure. actually, im never sure."
"..."
"the only time that i was so sure, so very sure, was the time i screwed up the most., ended up in the worst stage in life. how can i ever be sure again? in life, and everything?"
(how can i?)

"you changed new pictures?"
"no ar, they are still the same ones."
"these arent nice. why put them anyway?"
"mm..."
(should i take them off?)

"if you aren't sorry, it means you're glad"
(yeah. duh...)

"do u think its stupid?"
"what happened?"
"i dont wanna talk about it..."
"okay, its really stupid."
"really?"
"no."
"then is it stupid?"
"..."
(who to judge?)

"that's so bad"
"ei u havent seen worse people yet"
"i dont have to lol"
(bad but, the correct thing? no? yes?)

"nah this is for you."
"wow really!?"
"mm..."
(and i forgot to say thanks)

"hey how d?"
"what how d? ma like that loh"
(questions i wish i could find better ways to answer)

"hey whats that for?"
"its for.. er.. myself."
(liar.)

"i think you should sms yourself to show sincerity."
"but how lah i dont...."
*went offline*
"sigh...."
(isnt it just the same...? im not anybody special and i dont see the need to show anything to anybody. right?)

"what if we went there and......."
(the word doesnt exist stop using it)

*flyfm plays*
"romeo take me, somewhere..."
*click - hitz.fm*
"sorry..."
(twice in 1 day? wasnt it my favourite song?)

"what about that bunch of guys?"
"what about them?"
"ohh now i see... i think it grows with age"
"i didnt expect a bunch of guys..."
"how about this year?"
"i just dont feel like it."
(dont think i have much time left..)

"dont you get it?"
"yeah......."
(no i dont)

"i think its nice"
"i dont really like it"
"im ok with it"
(should i stil wear it?)

"you think this is so easy? you're too naive. it's not possible. one has fallen. to survive, one must catch the fallen. or it dies. cause its not water nor a soft bed of wool at the bottom. its a bed of thorns, deceived by the roses on top. because only the fallen one would bleed and feel the thorns when others sees it as a mere fall on a beautiful rose bed garden."
(what can be done?)

"you know guys change so easily and they're so unpredictable"
"so are girls."
(so dont be one)

treat people the way you want to be treated. but do they deserve it? even if they dont. do you deserve it?


i really wanna watch bride wars and underworld ==(

-

trying HARD to be someone im not.

cause im not allowed to be someone i am.

its coming!

chinese new year is coming! but...... so soon...?
yes i want the angpows! its just, u know, the relatives and family friends, uncles and aunties normally pinch your face and say "you've grown so big already! the last time i saw you you were in diapers!" thats the annoying part.
next, they WILL question you on your work/studies. which is the last thing i want on my mind right now. im unemployed okay! dont you whisper behind my back rambling on how smart your son or daughter is workin as some lawyer or something. or maybe they dont. i just have a feeling that they do when you see this look on their face when i declare unemploymency. blame it on the economy! or me. to not take enough effort in lookin for jobs. i mean, its nice to start up a topic and all, to wonder what my parents daughter is doing right now but, please? right now but not right NOW?
after that, they will ask about my health, out of care... you know, and all. FINE my cholesterol went up to 7.2 alright? under medication and still 7.2 is unacceptable. how can i survive without bak kua in the cny season? ==(
then they will ask the boyfriend question. enough of the questions i dont want to answer already! aww is there a way i could just avoid these questions?

can i just hide in my room and get away from everybody this chinese new year? or maybe get the angpows only hide before anybody asks anything?

my stomach doesnt feel so good. as if my dinner at 7pm havent digested at all and its almost 1 now.

i really need a life. continuous emo posts from me since for as long as i couldnt remember. blogs are for me to pour everything in with. it just seems that my bucket full of rose petals is now filled with rotten water. all i can do is to let it clear by itself. and pray. cause there no other place for me to pour them at. i've added labels. you dont have to read them if you get sick of my emo posts. just look at the labels and if its labeled emo, you can ignore it. labeling back old posts of last year is making me even more emo.

how do you de-emo-fy a person? i need a de-emo-fy-er.
help.

hey homer...

im scared. im really scared homer. whatever happened to me when i keep trying to figure myself out, i found a weakness but i cane just focus on strenghts and hope the weaknesses go away.. they are still somewhere in me...
im scared to go out with certain friends of mine, which have been really nice to me. not that they arent nice. its just... im scared,
im scared and somehow a part in me tells me that im not good enough for them. and when the people that made me feel so welcomed, so comfortable and special wanted and needed, leaves, everything is just so different now.
going out with the few close friends made me realize, they are just really good and nice people, thats why they are hanging out with me. i dont feel comfortable hanging out with them, how can they be comfortable hanging out with me?
when im with certain people, i am not me. i dont talk like me, i dont act like me. but if i dont, i dont think im good enough for them. all those different groups.
sometimes its something that i wanna do but its just not me if i do it. its like, this is my principle. this is who i am, what im known to be. if i do the opposite, then im not me anymore.
oh gawd wat m i saying...
i know its all about 'people like you for who you are dee fown inside, you dont need to pretend. if they dont like you for who you are, they arent real friends'. i know that shit but i could say that when i can afford to lose some, but i dont.
i have retired from who and what i use to be. and i aint stepping into that mud anymore. but sometimes, the easy way is to go into the mud and stay happy. or climb up a very steep and log mountain.one you come out dirty. the other you come out sweaty and tired all through. i cant turn back. im not allowed to.
im really scared homer, and i dont know what to do, who to talk to, or who to turn to.
ontkim scared... of stepping out of me and this lil fantasy world of mine. i dont know what awaits behind those walls. and thats the real me. cowardy and...scared.
i dont have enough confidence and i dont think i am capable og getting it back, thats y i cudnt let go. even by pretending to be the people i am not. i cant afford alot of things. cant afford to lose alot of things. friends. trust. face. dignity. health. life. love. knowledge. time. taste buds. treasures... some are already gone. cant afford to lose an inch more of it.
and sometimes when you have a good intention, treat people good and get the doors shut on your face, you wonder if you should give up or keep trying. then sometimes, you treat a person like dirt, and at the end of the day, everybody leaves the party but this person is willing to stay for a lil while longer. what kind of demon m i?
what do you know, you have small ears and a fat tummy. only good for hugs. not ears. and you dont even have a shoulder when i needed one...
what the hell is wrong with me! the only time i should be depressed is when i was with jing! no offence, but i dont think he'll see this anyway.
thanks for the hugs. i am still scared. you feel safe only when your the hugee. guess you are. *hugs*

i shall...

jocelyn shall keep remind herself on new year resolution number 15. and stick the hell to it.

jocelyn shall keep herself within the fences of patience cause she cant kick the sheep out and she cant get out to the fields.

jocelyn shall erase the negativity off her chest and see everybody as harmless human beings tryin to be nice, even if they arent, its just their cranky day, they mean no harm, or its an innocent mistake and should be forgiven.

jocelyn shall stop the feelin of regret eating her up after she bought this dress she doesnt really like, from Forever 21.

jocelyn shall not forgive certain people that has crossed the line. she shall keep away from them and let it stay that way cause they dont understand and dont appreciate what she's tryin to do.

jocelyn shall notice the people around her who are really really nice and do something nice back.

jocelyn shall not let the bad habits of her high school ages return and infest her attitude.

jocelyn shall bank in her cheque and take the money out ==D

jocelyn shall do something to mend the holes in her.

jocelyn shall still be stingy enough to not go for a manicure. even when she so need to treat herself something good, and spoil herself more now.

jocelyn shall not allow even one tear at all to fall today.

jocelyn shall have better control of her life by doing meaningful things. to meaningful people.

jocelyn shall get her beauty sleep today. sleep for many many hours and hopefully wake up to find her eye bags of at least half a year, gone.