im scared. im really scared homer. whatever happened to me when i keep trying to figure myself out, i found a weakness but i cane just focus on strenghts and hope the weaknesses go away.. they are still somewhere in me...
im scared to go out with certain friends of mine, which have been really nice to me. not that they arent nice. its just... im scared,
im scared and somehow a part in me tells me that im not good enough for them. and when the people that made me feel so welcomed, so comfortable and special wanted and needed, leaves, everything is just so different now.
going out with the few close friends made me realize, they are just really good and nice people, thats why they are hanging out with me. i dont feel comfortable hanging out with them, how can they be comfortable hanging out with me?
when im with certain people, i am not me. i dont talk like me, i dont act like me. but if i dont, i dont think im good enough for them. all those different groups.
sometimes its something that i wanna do but its just not me if i do it. its like, this is my principle. this is who i am, what im known to be. if i do the opposite, then im not me anymore.
oh gawd wat m i saying...
i know its all about 'people like you for who you are dee fown inside, you dont need to pretend. if they dont like you for who you are, they arent real friends'. i know that shit but i could say that when i can afford to lose some, but i dont.
i have retired from who and what i use to be. and i aint stepping into that mud anymore. but sometimes, the easy way is to go into the mud and stay happy. or climb up a very steep and log mountain.one you come out dirty. the other you come out sweaty and tired all through. i cant turn back. im not allowed to.
im really scared homer, and i dont know what to do, who to talk to, or who to turn to.
ontkim scared... of stepping out of me and this lil fantasy world of mine. i dont know what awaits behind those walls. and thats the real me. cowardy and...scared.
i dont have enough confidence and i dont think i am capable og getting it back, thats y i cudnt let go. even by pretending to be the people i am not. i cant afford alot of things. cant afford to lose alot of things. friends. trust. face. dignity. health. life. love. knowledge. time. taste buds. treasures... some are already gone. cant afford to lose an inch more of it.
and sometimes when you have a good intention, treat people good and get the doors shut on your face, you wonder if you should give up or keep trying. then sometimes, you treat a person like dirt, and at the end of the day, everybody leaves the party but this person is willing to stay for a lil while longer. what kind of demon m i?
what do you know, you have small ears and a fat tummy. only good for hugs. not ears. and you dont even have a shoulder when i needed one...
what the hell is wrong with me! the only time i should be depressed is when i was with jing! no offence, but i dont think he'll see this anyway.
thanks for the hugs. i am still scared. you feel safe only when your the hugee. guess you are. *hugs*
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jo, just be yourself. i love the way you are - sweet and sincere. problems don't go away and things don't just happen. we make problems go away through solutions and we make things happen with action.
ReplyDeletei'm not too sure what you are going through. but girl, there's not need to be scared. someone us are still here for you, we are always ready to grab your hand when you reach them out to us.
yes, i love you, girl... i've never met someone so sweet as you.