quote.

they say in your entire life, you only fall in love once. even if you dont end up with that person, you'll end up thinking of that person throughout your remaining life.

you'll know when you do...

and i still do.

im sick ==(

my head hurts.
my ankle where i sprained my knee months ago, hurts.
my knee where i had a surgery last year, hurts.
my eye balls hurt.
my neck is tired. can barely support my heavy head.
my eye balls are sore.
my body is sore so is my heart.
i have a cut on my hand.

and i was sms-ing just now, back facing my towel hanger,
when i was done i was so shocked i thought somebody was standing behind me!
what the hell is wrong with me?





i need a doctor. probably a bomoh.

i still wanna be a pirate

Turning 21 this year, it's time to leave the flat land and set sail into the ocean...

I am thankful for all the people that have helped made my small ship, for all the efforts they put into every nail, for the food supply, for building up my courage and wisdom so that i can finally set sail....

For the members who are about to join my crew, I am grateful...for those who are left behind, I am thankful....I've learnt many things, i wish all of em were on board, but as for now I wish you well...
Until we meet again out at sea, when the winds carries you to me, or when the waves pushes us towards the same island.

I might meet sea monsters, i might have to battle the storm and escape from whirpools but I am not afraid as I have trustworthy people to mend the decks and guide my sails...to stir me out of danger to catch me when i fall into the sea...

One thing i learnt is that no matter what happens, it is always forward that you should go, the destination is not a problem as long as we move forward...life is unpredictable but thats what makes it fun, life is full of hardships but thats what makes you strong....

AHOY~~all aboard...it's time to set sail into the vast unknown ocean and traverse the seven seas....have a happy journey everyone...

conversations lolling in my head

"hey jo i saw you and ** together. i thought you hated ** ?"
"no i do not hate **. ** is a really nice person and ** did nothing to offend me in anyway."
"but last time i thought..."
"i have never hated **. i just didnt like it when ** did something inappropriate."
(maybe i should apologize. then again i might screw up just cause im being too honest)

"do i look like i like to hold grudges towards people?"
"err... dont you?"
"hmm im not sure. anymore... do i?" "i dont lah wei..."
(i dont hate people as much as i use to. maybe hate can fade)

"i thought you wanted it. arent you happy?"
"im not sure if i am happy. but i dont think im sad... for the moment..."
(for WHAT? sigh...)

"i thought you wanted them?"
"i do, but tell me why does it pierce?"
(i still have no idea)

"he's been awkwardly nice."
"what if he wants a rebound?"
"im not sure. actually, im never sure."
"..."
"the only time that i was so sure, so very sure, was the time i screwed up the most., ended up in the worst stage in life. how can i ever be sure again? in life, and everything?"
(how can i?)

"you changed new pictures?"
"no ar, they are still the same ones."
"these arent nice. why put them anyway?"
"mm..."
(should i take them off?)

"if you aren't sorry, it means you're glad"
(yeah. duh...)

"do u think its stupid?"
"what happened?"
"i dont wanna talk about it..."
"okay, its really stupid."
"really?"
"no."
"then is it stupid?"
"..."
(who to judge?)

"that's so bad"
"ei u havent seen worse people yet"
"i dont have to lol"
(bad but, the correct thing? no? yes?)

"nah this is for you."
"wow really!?"
"mm..."
(and i forgot to say thanks)

"hey how d?"
"what how d? ma like that loh"
(questions i wish i could find better ways to answer)

"hey whats that for?"
"its for.. er.. myself."
(liar.)

"i think you should sms yourself to show sincerity."
"but how lah i dont...."
*went offline*
"sigh...."
(isnt it just the same...? im not anybody special and i dont see the need to show anything to anybody. right?)

"what if we went there and......."
(the word doesnt exist stop using it)

*flyfm plays*
"romeo take me, somewhere..."
*click - hitz.fm*
"sorry..."
(twice in 1 day? wasnt it my favourite song?)

"what about that bunch of guys?"
"what about them?"
"ohh now i see... i think it grows with age"
"i didnt expect a bunch of guys..."
"how about this year?"
"i just dont feel like it."
(dont think i have much time left..)

"dont you get it?"
"yeah......."
(no i dont)

"i think its nice"
"i dont really like it"
"im ok with it"
(should i stil wear it?)

"you think this is so easy? you're too naive. it's not possible. one has fallen. to survive, one must catch the fallen. or it dies. cause its not water nor a soft bed of wool at the bottom. its a bed of thorns, deceived by the roses on top. because only the fallen one would bleed and feel the thorns when others sees it as a mere fall on a beautiful rose bed garden."
(what can be done?)

"you know guys change so easily and they're so unpredictable"
"so are girls."
(so dont be one)

treat people the way you want to be treated. but do they deserve it? even if they dont. do you deserve it?


i really wanna watch bride wars and underworld ==(

-

trying HARD to be someone im not.

cause im not allowed to be someone i am.

blogs are educative

i learned a new word today.
hemorrhoid.
==D

i should be a common word. but i didnt know.

sorry people. i had to do this. its so funny when you know somebody's got it and how he/she got it.
HAHAHA
ok fine maybe its not that funny. but somehow i find myself smiling. non stop since 15 mins ago.
==D



hemorrhoid. teehee!

its coming!

chinese new year is coming! but...... so soon...?
yes i want the angpows! its just, u know, the relatives and family friends, uncles and aunties normally pinch your face and say "you've grown so big already! the last time i saw you you were in diapers!" thats the annoying part.
next, they WILL question you on your work/studies. which is the last thing i want on my mind right now. im unemployed okay! dont you whisper behind my back rambling on how smart your son or daughter is workin as some lawyer or something. or maybe they dont. i just have a feeling that they do when you see this look on their face when i declare unemploymency. blame it on the economy! or me. to not take enough effort in lookin for jobs. i mean, its nice to start up a topic and all, to wonder what my parents daughter is doing right now but, please? right now but not right NOW?
after that, they will ask about my health, out of care... you know, and all. FINE my cholesterol went up to 7.2 alright? under medication and still 7.2 is unacceptable. how can i survive without bak kua in the cny season? ==(
then they will ask the boyfriend question. enough of the questions i dont want to answer already! aww is there a way i could just avoid these questions?

can i just hide in my room and get away from everybody this chinese new year? or maybe get the angpows only hide before anybody asks anything?

my stomach doesnt feel so good. as if my dinner at 7pm havent digested at all and its almost 1 now.

i really need a life. continuous emo posts from me since for as long as i couldnt remember. blogs are for me to pour everything in with. it just seems that my bucket full of rose petals is now filled with rotten water. all i can do is to let it clear by itself. and pray. cause there no other place for me to pour them at. i've added labels. you dont have to read them if you get sick of my emo posts. just look at the labels and if its labeled emo, you can ignore it. labeling back old posts of last year is making me even more emo.

how do you de-emo-fy a person? i need a de-emo-fy-er.
help.

pink - sober

got it frm somewhere lol

if you cant move it, move with it.

hey homer...

im scared. im really scared homer. whatever happened to me when i keep trying to figure myself out, i found a weakness but i cane just focus on strenghts and hope the weaknesses go away.. they are still somewhere in me...
im scared to go out with certain friends of mine, which have been really nice to me. not that they arent nice. its just... im scared,
im scared and somehow a part in me tells me that im not good enough for them. and when the people that made me feel so welcomed, so comfortable and special wanted and needed, leaves, everything is just so different now.
going out with the few close friends made me realize, they are just really good and nice people, thats why they are hanging out with me. i dont feel comfortable hanging out with them, how can they be comfortable hanging out with me?
when im with certain people, i am not me. i dont talk like me, i dont act like me. but if i dont, i dont think im good enough for them. all those different groups.
sometimes its something that i wanna do but its just not me if i do it. its like, this is my principle. this is who i am, what im known to be. if i do the opposite, then im not me anymore.
oh gawd wat m i saying...
i know its all about 'people like you for who you are dee fown inside, you dont need to pretend. if they dont like you for who you are, they arent real friends'. i know that shit but i could say that when i can afford to lose some, but i dont.
i have retired from who and what i use to be. and i aint stepping into that mud anymore. but sometimes, the easy way is to go into the mud and stay happy. or climb up a very steep and log mountain.one you come out dirty. the other you come out sweaty and tired all through. i cant turn back. im not allowed to.
im really scared homer, and i dont know what to do, who to talk to, or who to turn to.
ontkim scared... of stepping out of me and this lil fantasy world of mine. i dont know what awaits behind those walls. and thats the real me. cowardy and...scared.
i dont have enough confidence and i dont think i am capable og getting it back, thats y i cudnt let go. even by pretending to be the people i am not. i cant afford alot of things. cant afford to lose alot of things. friends. trust. face. dignity. health. life. love. knowledge. time. taste buds. treasures... some are already gone. cant afford to lose an inch more of it.
and sometimes when you have a good intention, treat people good and get the doors shut on your face, you wonder if you should give up or keep trying. then sometimes, you treat a person like dirt, and at the end of the day, everybody leaves the party but this person is willing to stay for a lil while longer. what kind of demon m i?
what do you know, you have small ears and a fat tummy. only good for hugs. not ears. and you dont even have a shoulder when i needed one...
what the hell is wrong with me! the only time i should be depressed is when i was with jing! no offence, but i dont think he'll see this anyway.
thanks for the hugs. i am still scared. you feel safe only when your the hugee. guess you are. *hugs*

i shall...

jocelyn shall keep remind herself on new year resolution number 15. and stick the hell to it.

jocelyn shall keep herself within the fences of patience cause she cant kick the sheep out and she cant get out to the fields.

jocelyn shall erase the negativity off her chest and see everybody as harmless human beings tryin to be nice, even if they arent, its just their cranky day, they mean no harm, or its an innocent mistake and should be forgiven.

jocelyn shall stop the feelin of regret eating her up after she bought this dress she doesnt really like, from Forever 21.

jocelyn shall not forgive certain people that has crossed the line. she shall keep away from them and let it stay that way cause they dont understand and dont appreciate what she's tryin to do.

jocelyn shall notice the people around her who are really really nice and do something nice back.

jocelyn shall not let the bad habits of her high school ages return and infest her attitude.

jocelyn shall bank in her cheque and take the money out ==D

jocelyn shall do something to mend the holes in her.

jocelyn shall still be stingy enough to not go for a manicure. even when she so need to treat herself something good, and spoil herself more now.

jocelyn shall not allow even one tear at all to fall today.

jocelyn shall have better control of her life by doing meaningful things. to meaningful people.

jocelyn shall get her beauty sleep today. sleep for many many hours and hopefully wake up to find her eye bags of at least half a year, gone.

coffee island

me, cyn, nic, fi.
coffee island at gurney drive aint that bad. a really nice place to hang out if we count out the loud noisy bunch of tu kaos on the next table.

i forgot to take pics of the food and drinks.
food not bad. drinks, cant judge. i only had fruit juice.
glasses are too tall. when the drinks are in the middle of the table, its hard to see the person across the table, then you have to shift the drinks =.=

i really shouldnt be standing in front.

pets arent allowed but chihuahuas with shades and fancy clothes are? hmm...


anyway, look what i found in the wall of the ladies' restrooms! very interesting. obviously girls cant pee like guys duh! what does the second one on the first row mean? and its allowed cause its not striked off. as for the last 2 ones, lets just.... yeah. hahahah!

now im curious what's on the wall of the gents' restroom. anybody who drops by there, please take a picture for me? ==D

poh khim i hope u see this and call me back ==D

its been such a very long while since i've been in a good mood ==D
people step on me and they normally pay for it. though there are many many times i could categorize it under special cases, i shall still put it that way ==D i havent had that feeling in a very long while. probably cause i've turned good and i dont step on others like i use to. i use to have a really big mouth, trust me. and good things normally dont come out form that big mouth of mine.
talking to some old friends lately have brought back so much memories. good and bad ones. some still step on me like the good old days, expecting what they expect from 'girls', to chase after and hit them. no not really. they expect verbal war. cause i dont do human contact. or so they say "jun zi dong kou bu dong shou" ==D i watch too much tv.
the only time i hit, is when i try and take that chance to pok mong. ==D
do i miss mean conversations? kind of. thats y i like jo ann's bro! he rocks! ==D

i dreamed about poh khim last night. gosh i realy miss her. then i tried callin her. but i guess she changed her number without telling me. AGAIN. hope she sees this. dont think she will. she's too lazy to read blogs or even to bother about them. anyway the dream is about me bumping into her at this huge place that seems to be like a dorm-uni-shopping mall with a huge fountain in front where people like to sit there in their bikinis and a glass of something, chatting away with their shades on, sort of sun bathing i think? so there were many booths inside, like campaign booths, booths set up for uni enquiries, some sell handicrafts, some are to recruit club members. then khim got her hands wet, or dirty or something and we walked pass this booht, she went n grab the piece of cloth on the table, that sort of looked like paper napkins to her, and started wiping her hands clean, and i was like, hey those are G-string underwears! hahahahahhaa.... and i looked for a small size and ask if i cud take one. and, i took one home. it has realy cool words printed on it. the name of the uni they are promoting. hahahahahaa!! i don remember which college or uni but, it really is kinda stupid. i still remmeber the colour. its green and red. hahahaha!

anyway this is a crappy post. i wanted to blog but i didnt know what to blog about so... yeah i blogged crap. ==D

2 new things learned

"If at first the idea is not absurd then there is no hope for it"


"Everything that humans can imagine, is a possibility in reality" - Physicist, Willy Karen

come home - one republic

come home?

Son Dambi

In WGM (We Got Married) she's the soft spoken, good girl with good heart kinda girl....but then her songs (like crazy) started getting famous and people start asking why are her songs so different from the her we see in WGM...

Crazy...




but here is another song that might reassure you that down inside she's still that soft, kind and kinda conservative lady...

Invisible person...

Dreams

Has anyone made any new year's resolution?

I'll turn 21 this year, should i just look at reality and limit my dreams....or should i make my dreams reality?

Remember when we were young, we dreamt a lot, flying to the moon, living in a world we created ourself, wanting to be this or that...

What happened to all those dreaming? When did we start to let our head ground us with reality? Where was the wings we wanted on our backs so we can fly around the world?

Just because we've seen, just because we've learnt and just because we know....it doesn't mean we can't.


Therefore, my new year's resolution will be to continue dreaming, while dealing with reality and continue one step at a time towards......a dream come true...

PS : I have not been a good person, have not been the best son, have not been the best brother or cousin......i promise, i am working towards it.

Not forgetting my path to Japan and Korea too ==D

cravings...

I NEED A MILK SHAKE RIGHT NOW!!!!!

...

hormones talking. preferably vanilla.

Tagged by an sms frm Jo, quote:"since we share da blog you have to do it too"

Directions : Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things,habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment (''You're tagged!'') and to read your blog, you can't tag the person who tagged you!

1. you know the knot when you tie up a bolster's string...yeah, i like to rub my fingers on that.
2. I can sleep wherever, whenever, and in whatever positions when I am tired. Even tried doing it standing before ==D, maybe not while walking.
3. cries if I watch a sad movie, a touching scene, ughhhh...the tears I get when waching a korean drama...haha
4. a part of my body i am proud of....my butt ==D
5. soft drinksssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....have to have something sweet instead of water, but is trying to cut down on it.
6. trying to get myself and my body into shape.
7. loves basketball and daydreaming bout being in the nba.
8. have a habit of arranging the money in my wallet so they face the same direction, and the value from small to big.
9. wants to master the korean and japanese language.
10. hates the troublesome-ness of styling my own hair.
11. doesn't eat seafood except for fish...............banzai for people around me who loves seafood!!
12. wants to master a martial art while living in japan, then stay in korea for awhile.
13. tend to walk inside the squares (on the floor) in shopping malls, pavements etc...
14. will always have extra room for dessert ==D
15. loves the sea and what's underneath it but doesn't really know how to swim.
16. still have problems remembering all the cousins name (outside of my fathers side) and don't know how to address this uncle or that aunty. Applies to like my grandfather's brother's son adn their family...my grandfather's other wife's family etc.....

Tagging : the first 6 people to look at this post....leave a comment saying "first" or anything you wanna say after seeing this post...so i know who was tagged and will go read theirs ==)

Tagged by Jinni Bit Tan

Directions : Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things,habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 6 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment (''You're tagged!'') and to read your blog, you can't tag the person who tagged you!

1. i have my own ways of eating oranges.
2. im a choleric.
3. i cant overcome my swimming-head-below-the-water phobia.
4. i need a hug right now.
5. i cant live without body lotion. candies. tom yam. baby bear. laksa. my hp. friends. music. internet. shoes.
6. i get happy lookin at colorful and bright stuff. i smile when i see colorful pokla dots.
7. i like to crack my toe knuckles.
8. i write songs when i feel like it.
9. i jump with joy when people let me drive their car.
10. i have a long tongue.
11. i have no control over my feelings, emotions and thoughts.
12. im really bad at hiding emotions. really expressive. i jump around when im happy and i dont care if poeple stare. i cant stop the tears when im really sad. when im angry and i dont say something, its stil said through my face.
13. i brush my teeth too much. i cant live without clean teeth.
14. i feel bad over alot of things and i do, dont do, in and out of my capabilities to comtrol the situation etc.
15. i roll my eyes automatically when people stare at me/eye me head to toe.
16. i weigh the pros and cons over every single thing in life. my decision making process takes up to 10 minutes to decide to paint my nails white or pink. (with that, a marriage proposal might take up to more than many many years to decide if its a yes or a no. hahahaha!)

Tagging: self-tag service. ==p

Tagged by Fi

yes alot of people know this face of mine. hahahaha!
its 1.20 am right now. messy hair. specs and a huge tee.
yep this is how i look like at home right now. all the time.
good thing i did not just came out frm a shower. im usually topless at that moment.

1. Take a picture of urself right now

2. Don't change your clothes, don't fix ur hair... just take a picture...

3. Post the photo with no EDITING

4. Post this instructions with your photo

5. Tag 5 ppl to do this

Tagging - whoever who reads this. its a curse! tag yourself.
if not you'll be cursed to automatically dig your nose everytime you get tagged on something like this.
then you'll have to post up a picture of you digging your nose.
BOO GAA GAA!!
(thats alakazam or mali mali hung in a different language. alakazam and british. mali mali hung is chinese. boo gaa gaa is some tribal african language the people form madagasca speak)

happee 2009!

i know its 2 days late. first day the internet went crazy. streamyx was havin a day off too i guess?
but happy new year people!! especially to the very special person who shared this blog and made it more interesting than it is.... n played a very special role in my life. well a person's blog is all about a person's life isnt it? ==)

lookin back at 2008 for me just... i was lookin at all the blog posts for last whole year....... i have no receptor thingy, to control at all, the cells around my tear glands.... lets just put it that way, when thing's are slightly out of... expectations, plans and control, of the will of... fate? and certain arrangements with...... ok i shall stop talkin now.

anyway last year for jocelyn, moved really slow. really really slow. i was waiting and waiting everyday, staring at a date all the time. one date after another. there was always a date, may it be a happy one or a sad one. february then july then august then november then... and now this year, i just dont have a date as a target line anymore. it was a slow year but before i know it, it ended up in a zap, leavin me stuck in never never land.
andddddd.... that slow year is finally over. hope this new year for me would be fast. and you know ther's only 2 ways for it to be fast. for your life to be fast. one is to have a great work life. or a great love life. as usual, greedy me would want both.

ok new year resolutions! here's the list. well, not really a new year resolution list, but i think they look more like a to-do list. cause u know, resolutions always look and sound so... visionary. so huge... with big plans and big evetything and half of them will have your freinds laugh at you saying "hey wasnt that what you said last year? come on you wont get that done this year" or "puh-leez, you wont be able to make that happen, not in this decade".

THE LIST

1. do something good. (volunteer somewhere since im too stingy for giving out monetary donations. oh old clothes might work too ==) )
2. learn up something. (be it a skill, a hobby, a language etc)
3. finish all my movies and series. (some dvds in my drawer are bought to rust and i should start doing something about it. lol)
4. have a clear mind and decide totally what to major on in my studies. (and make sure i WILL go for a degree)
5. sew some dolls. (i want to!)
6. finish my 6 never ending books feeding on dust, ps i love you, change of heart, rules of work, olgilvy's advertising, 4 twilight books (if i have them all, i only have 2)...
7. change my fashion style. totally! more heels and make up for me please. when i dont feel lazy or feel like wearin something comfortable. im old. i've changed my hair style anyway, next up is my wardrobe. ==)
8. but i do need money for that dont i? so i need a job. i great job to gain experience.
9. self learn photography and editing skills.
10. finish writing a proposal for patrick's corporate company profile and get him to pay me ==) (man this was on me for more than half a year now. it's goin to be a year in 2 or 3 months. ish!)
11. make really nice cards for everybody's birthday!
    
12. finish my cross stitch. (i have a new one and its almost like a bif framed photo)
13. keep praying that my hp will spoil so that i will get a new one. and also that i will earn enough money by then to treat myself with a new hp.
14. not travelling. definately. or maybe i could, but i dont feel like it. (why is this even on the list?)
15. forgive the people i hate. jocelyn will talk to the people she loath most, act nice and hope it'll turn out nice. just cause she wants to cut names off her enemy list.
16. wear a bikini in public. (hahahhahaha... this is a stupid one but what the hell.. who's in with me? ==D 20 and i havent done that before can you believe that? was never confident with... erm... a certain size, you know... anyway its not happening 30 years frm now is it? im old now! and its happenin now. hahaha )
17. get an addiction. (be it on candies, work, a hobby, some life, some book, anything!)
18. be more organized.
19. be a better planner on managing my life.
20. exercise more... and i mean MORE. it i dont throughout the year, i'll make sure i do in december. ==D
    

and if i dont get them done by november 2009, i'll have them done in the whole december just so poeple wont be saying things like "cheh i knew it" or something like that. liang might probably be the first to say that hahaha...
the list should be till 20 i guess. if there are more i'll write in the comment box. anybody came up with their new year resolutions already?