==S

I have this feeling somewhere inside of me, bugging me for days.
Located right above my stomach, somewhere between my stomach, n chest.
A sorey, soury, feeling that makes me sad n emotional when I try to focus all my senses on it, to discover what is the feeling actually.
Then I'll start staring blankly at something for hours.
And it makes me feel like throwing up when I see food.
It makes me wonder if Im sick.
How do I make it go away?

I've got no inspirations whatsoever to blog. I've had this great topic I'd like to blog about, this morning. But that was this morning. Maybe its not so great but, at least a better one than this.

Scar on my knee.

The final flake of dried skin has finally shed, or rather 'peeled'. Leaving behind this long scar.
Knee is still swollen, numb patch still there. I can walk very normally now. occasionally i get to skip a bit, wriggle a bit. I still cant dance, i still cant jump. ==(

Pics...
With flash.

Without flash.
note: there are still peel-able skin around it if you notice ==D


Anyway earth hour day is tomorrow. *verbally jumps around* eeeek! im so excited! you know everybody has been talking about it lately. ==D and everybody is taking this chance to go out, treating it as a celebration actually. hanging out, buying party strings and all. kinda weird but me like it. ==D as long as its to support to earth ==D but kinda lame cause its just to switch off your lights and cherish the few minutes. hmm... anyways, remember t switch off your lights tomorrow!

im super sleepy right now. good night, whoever's reading this now. *yawn x8*

scratch

I NEED TO SCRATCH MY SCAR!!!!

its driving me nuts wei.... ish!

Anyways, I miss my jeans so much! its been 3 weeks. almost, I need long jeans/pants. ==D
I dont think i can fit in my pants anymore. my left leg is still swollen.
Or maybe i got fatter. Lets hope it's cause i got fatter! ==D

this is freaky.

I've been seeing and hearing things.
Hearing voices outside my bedroom window.
Seeing patches like dark water marks on my laptop screen.
Hearing a faint sound of a typical alarm clock that goes 'kringg~' when I was taking a shower.
There's no such alarm clock or device in my house.

What's wrong with me?

tired.

I'm tired.
So very tired.
Tired of planning. Tired of running. Tired of hiding. Tired of lying. Tired of everyday activities. Tired of everyday conversations. Tired of everyday thoughts.
Tired physically. Tired mentally.
My brain is tired. My eyes are tired. My arms are tired. My legs cant move. My back is sore. My knee is numb, and painful on the inside. And somehow, my heart seems tired of pumping itself.
It's the tiredness nobody could understand unless it really happens to them.

I would kill myself for a cozy cuddle around warm fire, watching a movie and falling asleep... and never wake up.
Never, ever, want to wake up again.

Things that i cant do with an injured (healing) left knee.

1. Pee properly in a public toilet.
   i have to pee real fast or my right leg gets tired, and i cant use the squat toilet, it has to be the sitting one.
   
2. Paint my left toe nails.
3. Cross my legs when i sit.
   I love to sit that way! ==(
4. Stand properly.
   I have to place my whole body weigh on my right leg and it gets tired easily.
   
5. Walk properly.
   Everybody is staring at me like im some zombie! DO NOT stare at poeple. its so freakin rude.
   
6. Wear short skirts.
7. Wear my jeans.
   my jeans are all tight ones, cant have it pressing on my wound ==(
8. Walk from Old Town to Kenny Rogers in Queensbay Mall.
   oww oww oww oww....
9. Exercise.
   I miss mother nature so much! my sweat glands needs to move it move it.
10. Feel a patch arounf my left knee cap.
    It's numb and i believe i have lost my sense nerves around there.
    
11. Help around the house.
    Sorry mom ==(
12. Hit my left knee just to see it jerk upwards, natural reflexes.
    
13. Sleep with my favourite sleeping pose.
    
14. Shower for a very long time.
15. Fish between chores and movies.
    cause i cant walk in and out all the time!
16. Carry a lot of things at the same time.
    i lose balance.
17. Go shopping.
18. Go cycling.
19. Chase my dog around the house.
20. Drive.
    
21. Jump when i see a tarzan rope hangin down a big old tree.
    
22. Jump around when i'm really really nervous for the speech tonight.
    jumping makes me feel better when i'm nervous. ==(
23. etc etc. lol
    

AND I HAVE A FAT LEFT LEG!! ==( its stil swollen.
i do want to be fat but not the swollen way.

me needs.

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
indian potato chips. the ones with curry powder.

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
loads and loads of sushi and salmon. i wanna eat tao......................

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
pringles! preferably bbq flavour. but sour cream n onion works fine for me too. ==D

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
motivation and inspirations for my speech. gahh!!

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
directions and decisions for my degree. double gahh!

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
to feel the outer part of my left knee. its totally numb!

I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
laksaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. please please please please can somebody buy for me?


im surprisingly calm right now. will miss you...

second cyst operation

i was hospitalized. again. for the 4th time in 4 years actually.
it all started with...
pain in left knee. suspected arthritis. scared the hell out of me. i have high cholesterol at such a young age. i might have arthritis too. lol...
did a scan. suspected ganglion cyst. had it removed through operation in 2007 it was in my old blog. me thinks. did a lab test on the thing. its a schwannomma cyst. >>click<< harmless and non-cancerous tumor. re grew itself throughout the months in between. had it removed again 3 days ago. doctor burned the surrounding cells to make sure it wont grow again. hopefully not.
just a minor surgery. don worry people. im alive.
there are chances of it re growing again. causes unknown. prevention unknown.

the nurse wrote it wrong. its written there, im only 19. lol... i must have looked young. hahha!

needle poked in my hand for injections.


homer pretending to be me.

surgery clothes.

homer wanting to scare the nurses. the nurse really did jump when she opened the curtains around my bed. thought i've turned into a hippo. lol. it was fun. hahaha!

breakfast. forgot to take pics of lunch n dinner. food there is lousy. i was hospitalized at lam wah ee last year. the food there is very good. nothing like loh guan lye.

me lookin blur and all. fi took the pic.

my swollen knee.

me n homer on the wheel chair.

me, jingling, fiona and half a quarter of liang. lol!

Leo club members decided to act as if they did a project on handicaps. him keat, wei chuen, me, fiona and zhang hao.

ong lai and me ==D

Fi's proud masterpiece. sort of. lol

fi, me on the wheelchair and my knee.

ward room door? lol

and people are wondering wats that thing inside. prepare yourselves! for pics of the cyst ==p
you can save it down and enlarge to have a very good view of it.
fi says it looks like hai som. sea cucumber.
dad says it looks like deformed egg yolk.
i say it looks like a deformed foetus. lol
you be the judge.

im sick ==(

my head hurts.
my ankle where i sprained my knee months ago, hurts.
my knee where i had a surgery last year, hurts.
my eye balls hurt.
my neck is tired. can barely support my heavy head.
my eye balls are sore.
my body is sore so is my heart.
i have a cut on my hand.

and i was sms-ing just now, back facing my towel hanger,
when i was done i was so shocked i thought somebody was standing behind me!
what the hell is wrong with me?





i need a doctor. probably a bomoh.

the eve of xmas eve

its christmas eve's eve! and im home early with gastric. the second last thing i want for christmas this year. maybe its the beer. maybe its dinner. maybe its just my stomach. or maybe its my luck.

oh well. merry be-earlied christmas everyone...

might write myself a new year resolution list if im that free.

==(

this is so not happening to me....
im a lotion freak!!
i want my soft smooth fingers back ==(

i think my skin peels off in seasons. like every year-end, this happens. or something.
im shedding skin....

i sprained my ankle

i sprained my ankle. no biggie. just blogging abt it. hahaha...

first layer
second layer
third layer.

it smells like a blend of seaweed, herbs, coconut skin, leaf juice, spices, the herbal tea you buy at the green herbal gui ling gou stall at malls (maybe plus some gui ling gou also). plus a hint of wild leaves and mud. hahahahah!!! im just saying..
hmm... maybe i could try and whip up my own herbal medicine. lol anybody wanna try my meds?

I SUCK!!!!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO SELF CONFIDENCE.
SELF ESTEEM. HOPES. GOALS. LUCK. OPTIMISM.
THE BRIGHT SIDE IN LIFE. BELIEFS.
YADA YADA YADA I DONT SEE ANY OF IT!!
everybody hates me. cant i just run away.....?

i want the proud. thick faced. happy. tough.
nothing-can-stop-me. who-the-hell-are-you-to-speak.
i-dont-care-what-people-think.
im-on-top-of-the-world. hate-me-f-u-i-dont-care.
i-rock-you-suck. attitude back....


at least im not drowned in depression......


SCREW THE DAMN THING SCREW EVERYTHING AROUND ME!!
im turning sadness into anger im done mourning!!





stop picking on me................ please...?
i need to breathe...
if only i could escape...
i need a shelter....


i cant even handle puny lil things like this. i suck i suck I SUCK
im the worst person in the world!


take these thought away from me!
does anyone have comforting words for me...?
you could lie if you want...
at least i feel better...
somebody's talking back...



help... *cries*
its the only thing i know how to do now...

i cant...

im so

STRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything around me is so demanding...

i cant take it anymore....

i tried.....

i cant mend my shield.

its broken...

i've lost me shelter n security...

sorry for a sad post.

its too big for me to carry...

please make everything go away...

its 8 and im still in the office and i still hav 2 unfinished tasks...

if only i could escape.

jocelyn was hospitalized last week

name tag

glucose water bag dripper thing

needle...

small injection. not painful

huge injection. very painful

with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu =D

gastric painnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn =(
i just recovered from a fever, followed by a swollen throat (okay fine its just a sore throat, but it really felt swollen =/) then i got this stupid cough that ate my 3hrs of sleep everynight. n now im getting a headache. i think i played too much games. ahh!!!! =X

i need chu boo...
i gotta see u boo...
n my heart's all over the world tonight...
cuz my heart went lookin for u tonight

i need chu boo...
i gotta see u boo...
n my heart's all over the world tonight
yeah my heart were lookin for day n night.

hey lil devil, disguised as a charmer,
hey lil snatcher, you're stil the winner, and
i so glad that chu won
u won my heart and soul, and
ooh you're my teddy, feel it when u hug me
i know its never enough, making me want more, and
i so glad that u are mine
we managed to kill the line, and
what means to me is to know i've got u, and
together baby we can rule the whole world too

cause if i got u, i dont need money,
needa have my honey, boy you're my heart....

and oh, im in love with u
like no, one else would do.
with every kiss and every hug, u made me, all in love
and now i, try so hard to be the only one,
cause my heart's floating around the air tonight
with the love of my life, i feel
what i feel when im with u with u with u with u with u..
with u, with u, with u, with u, with u....

i dont want nobody else,
without u there's no one else, that
likes laska as much as me, i've gotta have my sugar baby
hey lil naughty, sweeter than honey,
i know u care for me,
i know that u'll love me,
u know that i love u
u know that i wil try
to be your everything

cause if i got u, i dont need money,
needa have my honey, boy you're my heart....

and oh, im in love with u
like no, one else would do.
with every kiss and every hug, u made me, all in love
and now i, try so hard to be the only one,
cause my heart's floating around the air tonight
with the love of my life, i feel
what i feel when im with u with u with u with u with u..
with u, with u, with u, with u, with u....

and i, will never deny, the fact,that your soul's my life
cause if u, ever let me go
i would kill, u and homer too
i dont need some other lover
i just need u or nothing
cause if i got u
then i wont be blue
baby your the best slice of my life

i need chu boo...
i gotta see u boo...
cuz my heart went lookin for u tonight
it went here to down under the world at night

i need chu boo...
i gotta see u boo...
n my heart's all over the world tonight
yeah my heart's missin u for day n night.